Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Cue the mommy guilt

I think it's seriously going to eat me alive. I was okay the first week or so, even though it was so hard to see my tiny babies fighting for their lives, I was also just so relieved and thankful that they were doing better than I had expected. Once everything calmed down a bit, it just started hitting me. If I could have just carried them a couple weeks longer. Or a week. Or just anything more. Or maybe if I would have done something different, maybe I could have stayed pregnant longer. If I would have asked for more help with Ella in the beginning, maybe my cervix wouldn't have shortened so quickly. There are just a million and one scenarios that go through my head on a regular basis. Throughout my pregnancy I prepared myself for the worse case scenarios but hoped and prayed for the best. I am glad that I did that, because now that things are better than what I expected, I really do believe that it is easier for me to deal with. But that still doesn't make it easy to see my babies the way that they are. I am angry at my body. I am angry that I couldn't get pregnant, and then even worse, I couldn't carry them longer. LOGICALLY, I know I did what I could, but emotionally it just doesn't matter. These are our babies, and I just want them to be okay. I don't think I will ever be able to forgive myself if they are not. They are doing so good but I am just so scared something is going to sneak up on us out of no where. Okay, I am done venting now... it feels good to just let that out, hopefully I will find a way to manage all of it soon before I end up in a mental institution. ;) Onto some better and more positive news....

Like I mentioned above, the babies are doing so well! They have all gained back to their birth weight and past it. They are all having the typical preemie A's & B's (apnea which is when they stop breathing, and bradycardia which is where their heart rates drop really low), but they are starting to recover from them themselves instead of having to be stimulated, which is a good thing!

Abby is going backwards a bit here lately, but as I have been told, this whole NICU thing is a one step forward two steps back deal. Her CPAP settings had to be bumped from a 6 to an 8 (the smaller the number the better, 5 is as low as they set it), and she had to go up a bit on her oxygen and is at about 25% (21% is room air). She was having a little more trouble with her feeds, her residuals (milk left in her belly after a feed) were almost the whole feeds, so they changed her feeds from every 3 hours to 6. She did better with that, so now they are trying her on every 4 hours. Fingers crossed that she does well with that so she can go back to every 3. Our big thing right now is getting them to full feeds for their weights so that their PICC lines can come out. We want the PICC lines out to lower their risk of infection, and also for the obvious reason of there being one less tube/wire/line to mess with and worry about! Her head ultrasound came back clean for brain bleeds which is awesome! Even though she is lagging behind her brothers and sister, she is a feisty little thing and she is going to be the BOSS out of the bunch!

Allie is doing great! She is doing the best out of all of our babies. She is the only one who didn't need intubated for a dose of surfactant in the beginning. Her CPAP is on a 6 and she is on room air. She is up to full feeds which I believe are 23cc every 3 hours, they base them off of their weight. Her lipids, TPN, and PICC line (IV) got to be discontinued yesterday, and that makes us really happy! Her head ultrasound also came back clean for any brain bleeds, woohoo! She is also super feisty like her sister (both of them!), it is amazing the cries they can put out being so tiny!!

Corbin is doing great as well, he is our little chunker (well, in his own little preemie way!) and yesterday was up to 3 pounds 3 ounces! His CPAP is also on a 6 and he is on room air mostly but occasionally requires a bump up to 22-23% oxygen. He also got to have his lipids, TPN, and PICC line discontinued today, which means he is up to full feeds as well! His head ultrasound did show a grade 1 brain bleed, but this is the least severe bleed, and as long as it doesn't get worse we should be in good shape. They will do a follow up ultrasound in a few weeks. He is more laid back than the other babies, and he cries the least. I think he is going to be a lot like Larry, just chill and won't let much bother him. He loves to lay all stretched out, he is happy to have some room finally!

Carson is also doing well. CPAP setting of 6 and he is on about 23% oxygen. He also is up to full feeds and got to get his lipids and TPN discontinued as well as his PICC line today. He also has a grade 1 brain bleed, but just like Corbin's, if it doesn't get worse it should be okay. I can already tell that he is going to be a big Momma's boy. I can't explain it, I just feel it! And heaven forbid if the boy has a wet or dirty diaper, he totally freaks out!

I am so proud of them, they are doing so great right now. So is Ella, she is just taking it all so well and she loves being a big sister! The nurse told her she was a princess yesterday (which she usually calls herself a princess all the time), and she told her "No, I not a princess, I'm a big sister!'. Lol. But we will see how she does when they come home, I'm afraid it will be a whole new ballgame then! She does get a tad jealous. She did really well while I held Corbin yesterday, and she sat by me and talked to him. But as soon as we put him back in the bed, she wanted to be rocked like a tiny baby. Haha But that's okay, more snuggles for me!

We really appreciate continued prayers for our little fighters. Unfortunately things could change at anytime, but we are hoping and praying that they continue on the road they are on. A million times a day we thank our lucky stars that they are doing so well. It's so amazing how a mommy's heart (and daddy's!) can hold SO much love! We are so extremely blessed!


  1. Afternoon from Orlando Fl . I have been following your blog now for many months now . Glad all is going good for you and the babies . Your family is in my prays that the quads and your self continue to do good ohhh yes and the princess .

  2. Hi
    Found your blog thru another blog, your babies are beautiful!!
    Sending your many prayers that they all do well, and are home soon.

  3. The mommy guilt is something we've all experienced. You know that you did everything you could though, and it is a blessing your babies are doing so well! Wonderful news!

    Btw, we have an Abby as well and she was our biggest pickle in the NICU too. I've been told that Abby's in general have that tendency. :)

    You guys are doing great standing up under the pressure of the NICU. Prayers and blessings as you continue on!

  4. God decide their due date long before you were even born. Nothing can change that. I am on hospital bedrest and the same thoughts wonder in my brain. We can't let them though. I truly believe in Jeremiah 29:11, his plan is for us to prosper and not to harm us. He is not kicking himself over your delivery date, he chose it. I hope this makes you feel even the tiniest bit better.

  5. God decide their due date long before you were even born. Nothing can change that. I am on hospital bedrest and the same thoughts wonder in my brain. We can't let them though. I truly believe in Jeremiah 29:11, his plan is for us to prosper and not to harm us. He is not kicking himself over your delivery date, he chose it. I hope this makes you feel even the tiniest bit better.

  6. I can't imagine what it is like to have them even earlier than you expected, but it seems like they are doing just fine. So many quads are born at that time and they get through it- yours can too! Hang in there.

  7. Oh.my.goodness. As I read your post, these emotions came flooding back over me. And tears came into my eyes. I know the mommy guilt very well. I know the land of "if onlys" well, too. It is probably so very different than the guilt you had with your Ella...you can probably laugh at those feelings now, huh? :o) The bad news is we'll probably deal with mommy guilt forever...the good news is we have a Saviour upon whom we can lean and trust to guide us and give us wisdom in raising these gifts He's given! You have done SO WELL in carrying these sweet babies as long as you have. And may I just tell you I stand in awe of your milk production? I was producing about 12 oz a day for my trio a week out from the birth. You are doing a STELLAR job! It is no easy task pumping with babies in the NICU and I am super excited your supply is great. I am praying for you 7 and look forward to updates in the future!

    P.S. If you need some instant encouragement from mamas who KNOW what you're going through, join the Triplet's Mommies group on Facebook. (I'm not aware of a Quads group but there are a lot of quad mamas in this group.) It has proved to be SUUUUUCH a blessing to me and a help, as well! See you there! :)

  8. You did such an amazing job! I can only imagine how hard it is to beat yourself up with "what if's" but meanwhile, your babies are chugging along and doing wonderfully. All I know is to revel in the good moments and find relief, so we can better deal with the tough moments when they come. Lots of love and prayers for your family, girl!

  9. The NICU sounds like a wonderful place for your little premmies. What wonderful things they do to get them started and ready to go home. Praying good things ahead for your family of SEVEN!